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How do you think he got the ideas for the Prince? From his cat, of course.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

An humble suggestion

As I was wandering over the news feeds this morning, I noticed a smallish hyperlink in the corner that read: "Alito Has Senate Backing." Appalled by my fellow man, I immediately clicked upon it to read what new horror had been heaped upon the American people and withdrew in disgust.

Then, I had a revelation.

The hardworking men and women of the United States' Senate were, in fact, looking out for the best interests of the country. They've found a way to both reduce debt and satisfy a vocal religious right, and because they're too shy to take credit for it, I'll outline it here.

Backing Alito means backing the reversal of Roe v. Wade for all intents and purposes. Once Roe has been eliminated, the states will once again be free to pass anti-abortion laws, making any abortion illegal but for medical reasons, and some will do just that, rendering it far more difficult for women to secure safe, healthful abortions. Normally, I would shudder at such an idea, but then I remembered that most western European countries have populations that have fallen below the rate of reproduction necessary to sustain the population numbers. I then looked to America's debt, which is growing at an astronomical rate, and it came to me.

What our good elected officials mean to do is take a page from Swift and turn excess progeny into economic gain. The solution is blindingly simple: we're going to sell the unwanted babies to Europe. In essence, ladies, we're going to get pregnant for America because with every new baby donated to the cause, we'll be securing much needed revenue for the eagle's coffers. We'll also be re-establishing good relations with our European colleagues because who can hate the nation that's taking over the stork's duties? We're the source of their children, so they're likely to defend us in the event of further attacks by terrorist organizations.

In fact, the market for babies will be so extensive--think of it, having a child without all the misery of childbirth or the fears of diseases that third world children bring--that even those states that do not pass abortion laws will eventually come around, if only for the revenue from the sales tax for children.

I can see it now. Every city will have a donation clinic, where women can drop off their unwanted children and finally reap the rewards experienced by most men, who have become accustomed to the easy revenue provided by sperm clinics. Women will be able to fund education for themsleves, be better able to support their existing children, and help drag the United States out of its unfortunate debt, all by fulfilling the duties imposed upon them by God.

Men will benefit as well. Once the clinics are open, they will no longer be plagued by pesky paternity suits that damage both bank balances and marriages. Questions of custody will be more easily solved by the sale of the infant as both partners will be able to split the proceeds. The prices of sperm will go up as even infertile women seek to profit from the equipment with which Nature endowed her.

I can imagine no more perfect solution to the problem.

1 Comments:

Blogger the vice jesus said...

No, we're going to make abortions illegal in America, but we're also going to open the US-Mexican border. This will allow our poor, impoverished and hungry neighbors to the south a chance to get rich by aborting the fetuses of our reckless, promiscuous youth. Alternatively we can establish a sort of credit system, whereby a woman has to bear, breastfeed or adopt two babies for every one baby she aborts in her own womb. Of course, everyone will get one freebie - and maybe more if she gets a coupon out of a box of Cheerios - but after that, it's all business. I see grave problems for the US/Europe Fetal Exchange market...although I really hope that the UEFEM does oneday exist. However, the British don't want our language, the French don't want our wine, the Germans don't want our politics, the Japanese don't want our beef and everyplace else just wants our money - how on earth are we going to get them to want to accept our babies? I recommend that every American visitor to Europe solves this problem by smuggling in a few babies and leaving them there. Hail Satan.

7:50 PM  

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